In college, I underwent a 360-degree assessment in which 20 of my friends, peers, and managers rated me across a variety of professional and personal attributes.

One person gave me the lowest possible score on an attribute. That attribute was listening. That person was my girlfriend.

While I have known for a while that listening is a weakness of mine, improving it has never been a high priority for me. However, my mindset changed when I read the negotiations book, “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss, the former FBI Chief International Hostage Negotiator.

The 1-Minute Version

The Big Idea: While “Never Split the Difference” is a book on negotiations, most of Voss’s advice is centered on how to be a more effective listener and, in turn, how listening can make you a better negotiator.

Throughout the book, Voss reveals the FBI’s battle-tested approach to negotiations, which is focused on listening & tactical empathy. The main assumption with the FBI methodology is that human beings are irrational – an assumption, he says, that is not shared by many academics in the field of negotiations.

I have boiled down this “tactical empathy / irrational human” approach into 5 parts:

1. Listen, listen, and listen again (I cannot not emphasize this enough)
2. Employ tactical empathy to comprehend your counterpart’s worldview
3. Diffuse your counterpart’s strong emotions by acknowledging their emotions
4. Build a sense of trust
5. Reach a solution

Step 5 is where the academic world of negotiations starts. In the real world, Voss argues, reaching a solution in a complex situation is nearly impossible without trust, diffused emotions, and a good understanding of your counterpart’s views.

3 Awesome Quotes on the Value of Listening

This book is full of great snippets on the value of listening. Here are a couple of the best:

“We always worked in teams… In some standoffs, we had as many as five people on the line, analyzing the information as it came in… Students of mine balk at this notion, asking, “seriously, do you really need a whole team to hear someone out? The fact that the FBI has come that conclusion, I tell them, should be a wake-up call. It’s really not that easy to listen well.”

“Who has control in a conversation, the person listening or the person talking? The listener, of course. That’s because the talker is revealing information while the listener, if she’s trained well, is directing the conversation toward her own goals. She’s harnessing the talker’s energy for her own ends.”

“Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.”

3 Key Skills to Make You a Better Listener, Empathizer, and Negotiator

After reading the book, I have employed three of Voss’s suggestions in my personal life to be a better listener, empathizer, and negotiator. Here is my progress report and how you could use these same skills:

Labeling: By labeling and acknowledging the emotions of your counterpart, you diffuse their intense emotions.

• Examples:
  • “It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
  • “It feels like that answer isn’t satisfying you.”

• How it works: The general principle, as Voss backs with science, is that “labeling an emotion disrupts its raw intensity.” By simply rationally stating your interpretation of your counterpart’s emotions (without any attacking “I” verbiage), you shift the conversation away from the area of the brain that governs emotions toward the area that governs rational thinking. Additionally, labeling opens the floor for a conversation about the other person’s feelings, which can ultimately lead to an amicable resolution.

• My thoughts: This one works wonders. Labeling has become my personal favorite tool for uncovering emotions and talking about them. I can’t tell you the number of times in the last month that I have used this tool to find out what was bothering my friends. Try this tool out the next time 1) you notice a strange non-verbal cue or 2) someone is being obviously passive-aggressive with you.

Mirroring: By mirroring the last couple words that your counterpart said, you trigger their instinct to elaborate themselves.

• Examples:
  • “I’ve just lately been feeling so frustrated.” “Frustrated?”
  • “You can store it anywhere.” “Anywhere?”

• How it works: Mirroring plays upon our human instinct to be drawn to what is similar to us. By repeating, in an inquisitive tone, the last words that your counterpart said, you inevitably stimulate your counterpart’s similarity bias and trigger them to rephrase what they just said.
  • What it is not: Most people associate “mirroring” with copying body language or tone of voice. In negotiations, mirroring is simply repeating the words.

• My thoughts: Mirroring is the ultimate tool of discovery. In the first example shown above, I feel like there is no other way to answer the question “frustrated?” without unavoidably revealing a lot more information about why you are feeling frustrated. In practice, a series of repeated mirrors can help you find the core issue troubling one of your friends.

Accusation Audit: By listing every bad thing your counterpart could say about you before they do, you diffuse the power of their attacks.

• Examples:
  • “I bet it seems like I’m ‘that guy’ that forgot to send his application in on time.”
  • “When we’re done, you’re going to think that I’m the big bad governing body that’s trying to squeeze your budget.”

• How it works: An accusation audit works under the same principles as labeling – namely, that acknowledging an emotion diffuses its intensity. By jumping out in front and saying all the bad things that your counterpart could say about you, you control the narrative and weaken the potential attack.

• My thoughts: This technique reminds me of my 11^th grade English teacher pushing us to make concessions in our argumentative essays. By saying something such as “while X is true, the core issue here is Y,” you control the narrative and dismantle your opponent’s argument before they can even make it. This technique, repeated several times to cover all potential attacks, helps diffuse strong emotions and leads to a rational discussion.